does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Couch. On fire.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
