I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
