Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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