i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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