someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The feeling are messing with the penis
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
