he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
