She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
how drunk are you?
Several
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
