You smell like a Billy Joel song
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
