Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
