its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
