life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
