I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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