yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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