it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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