im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
