Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
