i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
