if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
