The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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