My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
