Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
