That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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