After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I AM VODKA MAN
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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