who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize