if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
