why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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