hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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