We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
