She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
