What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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