new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
