Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
