No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
