hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
