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last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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