we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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