I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
