I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize