I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
