1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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