i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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