Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize