Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
