i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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