Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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