He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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