omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
