I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
