the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
