Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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