Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
