I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
