Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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