At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
