two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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