Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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