I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I have post one night stand depression
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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