Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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