Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
