he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
