Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
two words...techno handjob
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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