If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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