the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The air taste purple.
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